I hope people will respond to this blog post because I really would love to hear what others do because we can all learn from one another. How do you set rules in your family? How do you enforce those rules in your family?
We learn as we go and when we find a new "rule" that needs implemented, we involve the kids. I am a firm believer that if kids feel like they're involved and can own part of a decision they will honor it a bit better. We have the kids help plan vacation, they'll enjoy it more, we all do stuff we want to do and no one complains. Win-Win-Win! Rules work kind of the same way here, we set rules and have kids help find a consequence that they feel is fair and fits the "crime". My problem is the enforcing of those rules. I really really really hate being the bad cop. My oldest son tells me there are two things I say that he "hates" to hear, "Don't make me be this mom" after I enforce an unpleasant rule. The other will be saved for another post...maybe. :) We have had conversations with our kids about who they think is the softer parent or who do they go to if they want to do something. Those are always interesting and usually funny conversations.
Here's how it works in our house, though it doesn't always go the way we plan.
We have a rule for grades that needs to be enforced with some kids more than others. The rule is: If you're truly doing the very best you can in each class and a C or D is the very BEST you can do, then we will accept that. However, if you have a C or D and it's because of missing homework assignments, because you're not paying attention in class or not studying for tests, then that's not okay. If you get an F, you lose all privileges until that comes up. We meet with each child that may need help and some encouragement keeping grades up. We have different consequences for each child. Each child is different and one consequence may mean something to one and nothing to another. Taking TV away from a child that doesn't watch TV is a wasted consequence.
Last night is the reason for this blog post and question. I was talking to our 16 yr old son about school and told him I'd not been on Progressbook in awhile, would he mind if I checked his grades now. (In other words, now is the time to tell me if you know of any bad grades) He says, Nope. Go ahead. I'm expecting As and Bs but I saw two high Ds. uh-oh! Every grade the teachers had entered were 87 or higher EXCEPT for two missing assignments in both classes. ouch! Those few missing assignments really do hurt a grade. Remember, THIS was no okay. I reminded him of the rule he helped come up with: For every class that drops below a B he loses one thing per class. If he has D or F he flat out loses driving privileges (which I hate because it ends up being my punishment too). I tell him, absolutely NO Netflix until these things are turned in. Period. (We are currently watching Blue Bloods together.) You can drive to and from school and that's it. If they're not turned in by Friday, you lose the car all weekend. "Aw seriously?" Yep. I then send him to his dad, aka my sweet, wise husband, for back up. Our son bounces back into the kitchen and announces, "Dad said I was okay to watch one episode tonight as long as he sees me writing up my current event I missed." I not but think, "Houston, we have a problem!" Son runs off to get ready to do homework and my husband comes in the kitchen. "Hey babe. I love you." Seeing the humor in this, I can't resist messing with him. "I love you too. So my big strong man how'd your chat with our son go?" My husband, "uh, yeah...I think I messed up a little. Can we fix it?" By this he meant, can I fix it. I teased him about caving and being a big softie and went back to what we were doing. A bit later, our son walks back in the kitchen and I start fixing it, "Your dad and I agree (united front, right?), that you can watch ONE episode while you write up your current event HOWEVER, if those 2 missing assignments are not turned tomorrow and grades aren't up by Friday, you lose everything over the weekend...every.thing. phone, tv, car...got it? Then I say the first thing he hates to hear, "And please do it so I don't have to be mean. I hate being that mom." He stops what he's doing, smiles and says, "It's okay mom. I think you're a Superhero." Awww... (my heart melted a little) So, he gets it. I hate enforcing the rules we all set but he also knows I'm doing it because that's my job and I love him.
So, back to my question...How do you set rules in your family and bigger question...how do you enforce those rules? Who do you think is the enforcer in your family? And my hat goes off to all the single parents that are the good cop and bad cop. Being just one of those is tough, but to do both and at the same time......you're amazing!
Thursday, April 21, 2016
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
It takes a lot of effort to appear to do nothing.
This is a post with a follow up from a conversation I had with my 9 year old son, aka the baby of the family. While getting ready for school yesterday he says, "I think it'd be fun to have a switcharoo day once a week." I assumed he was talking about switching with his dad because he's a Civil Engineer and gets to go on job sites to solve problems. What little boy wouldn't want to go watch cool trucks in action and watch bridges be built? No...he wanted to switcharoo with me, "because you do nothing all day. I'd like to do nothing sometimes." My first reaction was laughter and then I thought, "hmmmm...I think I've failed him a little."
I've been a mom for 22 years and know not to be offended by this innocent comment or take what a child says personally, but it did get me thinking about his perspective on life. He comes home from school to a clean house, full refrigerator, full pantry, the lights come on, house is warm and we have hot water for showers, the cars always run safely, etc. These things happen because I take care of them during the day, when he's at school or playing with friends. Our kids do have chores every day, However, the big stuff is always magically done when he needs it to be.
After he left I decided to intentionally "do nothing" but mom life took care of that for me all by itself. I got asked by other kids to run a few emergency errands and then to go help out at one of the schools. It was perfect for my "teaching moment". Nate is a sensitive boy when it comes to others' feelings. I had to be careful not to let him think he'd hurt my feelings because he really didn't. I didn't want him to apologize or feel bad for saying what he thought. That's one of the qualities I love about him! As soon as he realizes someone is sad he'll go to them and do whatever it takes to make them laugh or feel better, especially when it comes to his mom. Mom experience has taught me that this window is a pretty small one and I'm loving that for a short while longer, I'm still a pretty big deal to him.
When Nate finished his homework, I asked him to look around the house and tell me what he sees. "Dishes a kid forgot to do are still in the sink. Trash that I forgot to take out is very full. The cat's litter box has stuff in it." this list went on for a few minutes. I told him those are things I usually take care of during the day but I didn't today. Then I told him a few other things I do, "I pay the bills so everything works when it needs to, I take cars to the shop, I make sure everyone has clean towels every day, I clean the house and do the stuff I don't ask you to do"...and then named a few. Nate looked at me, around the room and then says, "You do stuff I don't even know about. That's a LOT. You should take some naps every day too!" :)
Lately I've had mixed feelings about still being a Stay At Home Mom. I love being here when they get home so we can celebrate the great days, help the bad days improve and eat ice cream together when big disappointments come. Though during the day the kids are in school, I could and would like to get a job (I've tried a few times in the past few months and for whatever reason, I'm still a SAHM), so I've needed to readjust my attitude and thinking about "What am I doing now?" This is where I need to be right now and when the time is right, I'll be hired for that job that is waiting for me to be ready. Until then, I'll happily spend time with my 9 year old son who within the next year or so will move on from being a mama's boy to whatever fills his time and heart at that point. I'll happily be the mom that can always be available to talk to my college girls whenever they need or want to call, even just to say Hi. I'll happily be the mom that listens to angst and woes of teenage life, and help guide them through their ever changing and challenging lives they're leading. I will happily be the mom that watches Netflix with my kids while they lay their heads on my shoulder or hold my hand. I will do all of this while I continue doing "nothing" every day for my family.
Kudos goes out to all the parents that appear to do nothing. It's not easy to do nothing. It's not always fun to do nothing. But it is so very worth every effort and amount of energy we spend doing nothing. I admire working moms and single parents so very much. I honestly am in awe of you. It takes me all day to "do nothing" so I can be ready for the evening of dinner inhaling, taxi service, homework help, etc. I'm sure I would not look aa put together, as prepared or as calm as so many of you.
It takes a lot of effort to appear to do nothing. It makes me happy to "do nothing" every day for the seven people I love more than anything in this world.
I've been a mom for 22 years and know not to be offended by this innocent comment or take what a child says personally, but it did get me thinking about his perspective on life. He comes home from school to a clean house, full refrigerator, full pantry, the lights come on, house is warm and we have hot water for showers, the cars always run safely, etc. These things happen because I take care of them during the day, when he's at school or playing with friends. Our kids do have chores every day, However, the big stuff is always magically done when he needs it to be.
After he left I decided to intentionally "do nothing" but mom life took care of that for me all by itself. I got asked by other kids to run a few emergency errands and then to go help out at one of the schools. It was perfect for my "teaching moment". Nate is a sensitive boy when it comes to others' feelings. I had to be careful not to let him think he'd hurt my feelings because he really didn't. I didn't want him to apologize or feel bad for saying what he thought. That's one of the qualities I love about him! As soon as he realizes someone is sad he'll go to them and do whatever it takes to make them laugh or feel better, especially when it comes to his mom. Mom experience has taught me that this window is a pretty small one and I'm loving that for a short while longer, I'm still a pretty big deal to him.
When Nate finished his homework, I asked him to look around the house and tell me what he sees. "Dishes a kid forgot to do are still in the sink. Trash that I forgot to take out is very full. The cat's litter box has stuff in it." this list went on for a few minutes. I told him those are things I usually take care of during the day but I didn't today. Then I told him a few other things I do, "I pay the bills so everything works when it needs to, I take cars to the shop, I make sure everyone has clean towels every day, I clean the house and do the stuff I don't ask you to do"...and then named a few. Nate looked at me, around the room and then says, "You do stuff I don't even know about. That's a LOT. You should take some naps every day too!" :)
Lately I've had mixed feelings about still being a Stay At Home Mom. I love being here when they get home so we can celebrate the great days, help the bad days improve and eat ice cream together when big disappointments come. Though during the day the kids are in school, I could and would like to get a job (I've tried a few times in the past few months and for whatever reason, I'm still a SAHM), so I've needed to readjust my attitude and thinking about "What am I doing now?" This is where I need to be right now and when the time is right, I'll be hired for that job that is waiting for me to be ready. Until then, I'll happily spend time with my 9 year old son who within the next year or so will move on from being a mama's boy to whatever fills his time and heart at that point. I'll happily be the mom that can always be available to talk to my college girls whenever they need or want to call, even just to say Hi. I'll happily be the mom that listens to angst and woes of teenage life, and help guide them through their ever changing and challenging lives they're leading. I will happily be the mom that watches Netflix with my kids while they lay their heads on my shoulder or hold my hand. I will do all of this while I continue doing "nothing" every day for my family.
Kudos goes out to all the parents that appear to do nothing. It's not easy to do nothing. It's not always fun to do nothing. But it is so very worth every effort and amount of energy we spend doing nothing. I admire working moms and single parents so very much. I honestly am in awe of you. It takes me all day to "do nothing" so I can be ready for the evening of dinner inhaling, taxi service, homework help, etc. I'm sure I would not look aa put together, as prepared or as calm as so many of you.
It takes a lot of effort to appear to do nothing. It makes me happy to "do nothing" every day for the seven people I love more than anything in this world.
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