Late last night, I realized that this is the week that both of my parents passed away. One 16 years ago, the other 6 years ago. Remembering this, naturally made me a bit sad and for a couple reasons. Reason One: Is a natural feeling and thought...My parents aren't here with us. Reason Two: The days they passedand I didn't realize what the dates were. The weeks before my mom's passing was all a huge blur. I couldn't remember the day, let alone the date. When my dad passed away, I got a call from his dad on a late Sunday night saying he'd died. If someone were to ask me the dates of either death, I can tell you the 24, 25 or 26 of October, unless I look up the information. Weird, right?
I remember so many details of the days but not the exact dates of their deaths. Mom died at 6:00 on a Wednesday evening; I held her hand as she took her last breath. I'd talked to my dad the day before he died and when I got the call it seemed like a dream phone call. My grandpa's voice sounded like it was in distant fog.
As those days passed this week I thought of my parents, like I do so many other days. However, I didn't think, "Oh! This is the day my mom or dad died." I didn't cry because this was the day I sat with my mom as she took her last breath. I didn't cry because it was the last day I talked to my dad. This made me feel like maybe I'm a "bad daughter" or ungrateful or something. THEN I thought maybe it just means that I'm in a good place and a positive thinker. I remember them and think of them all the time but I don't dwell on their passing. They wouldn't want anyone to do that.
Instead they'd want me to think of their lives, a celebration of sorts. The joy, laughter, teaching, examples, their quick wit and funny anecdotes about them. I think of the twinkle in my mom's eyes as she made a birthday cake for her family, I think of the bounce in her step as she listened to Elvis' Christmas music. I think of the hours my dad spent teaching me how to through a softball, hit a ball, how to throw a punch so I could defend myself from a bully at school. I think of the nights he drove me home from late night activities and he'd notice the stars were so bright he'd pull over and we'd stare at the sky as he taught me about the constellations or space or some other science thing. (I hated science and that really bothered him...so very much.)
My grade in History had dropped, but not yet failing. My dad decided he'd come up with a "Proverb" to share with me. "Hey Tiff. I have a Chinese Proverb for you. No Passee, no Driveee." I of course responded with an eye roll and saying to Chill, it's not even a D- yet. Though I did decide to focus more and study harder for the next test so I could continue to drive whenever I wanted. My mom would sing We ain't Got a Barrel of Money whenever I was bummed about something or Dad had given me another fabulous proverb. (This Proverb Phase lasted for most of my high school life.) Before she'd sing this she's put a Reese's cup paper on her tooth to black it out, paint a wart on her face, mess up her hair or something ridiculous and do a silly dance. "We ain't got a barrel of.....Money. Maybe we're ragged and..... funny. But we'll travel along, singin a song.....side by side." As soon as I'd start to smile, she'd hook her arm in mine and jokingly poke me in the side until I sang the last line with her, then we'd laugh as we sang more of the song and completely screw up the lyrics.
October has always been one of my favorite months. The smells, colors, fall festivals, silly costumes and we celebrate our last baby's birthday the day before Halloween. I love that losing both of my parents in the same month hasn't changed my feelings about this month and time of year. Rather it's sweetened this time of year with fond memories, smiles and a warm heart.
October makes me happy. I hope this blog finds you happy too.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
I'm mustering courage today
I start physical therapy for my frozen shoulder today and to be honest, I'm quite nervous and a little scared. I've heard from the Dr and a couple friends that it's very painful. I'm sure it is, I'm not expecting it to be a carnival ride. When the dr tells you take 800 mg of ibuprofen before the session, it makes you wonder how bad it's going to be. I'm not afraid of much and don't let fear take up residence in my life but today it's creeping in a bit.
In keeping with October being Parent Appreciation month, I though I'd write about my mom and how she conquered a big fear she had. My mom was agoraphobic. She would leave the house if she absolutely had to but most often when she left it would only be with my dad and when we went places, she needed to either be near the exit or see the exit. She'd take me out of school for a mom/daughter shopping day once a year and more times than not I'd be the one writing the check while she would sit by the store window and try not to have a full blown panic attack.
When I was in elementary school, parents were invited to have lunch with their child for the Thanksgiving Feast. Every year my mom would tell me she'd try her best to get there. Every year my friend Heather and her mom would invite me to sit and eat with them. Her mom was always so kind to me. She'd always include me in the conversation and make me feel important too. I got used to this tradition and it didn't bother me that my mom wasn't there. It was a 30 minute lunch and I was more excited to go play outside with my friends. Still, every year when I'd walk in the door after the Feast I'd see my mom sitting next to the door crying. She'd jump up and hug me and say over and over how very sorry she was that she missed it. I'd again reassure it that it didn't bother me and then tell how much fun I had at recess after lunch. Years later she told me she'd stand with her hand on the doorknob for hours before just sitting on the floor to wait for me to come home.
In the summer between 4th and 5th grade mom decided she was going to stop being afraid of being outside. She'd talked to me about this for weeks and finally one day she comes to me with her purse and tells me to "stay here. I'm going to the bank. I'll be back shortly." The bank was one block down our street and the second building to the right. I was so proud of her for wanting to do this. I watched from the front window as she walked very slowly down our front steps and onto the road, I saw her hesitate for a second then shake her head no and take another step toward her goal. She got halfway down the block when I decided to follow her to make sure she was okay. I remember stuffing her inhaler in my pocket and walked slowly behind making sure to stay half the block away. The pride I felt as I watched my mom walk into the bank, smile and start talking to the people in the lobby made my chest feel like it was going to burst. When I saw her start to come out of the bank I hustled home and hid behind a huge tree in my neighbors yard so I could watch her face as she realized she'd done it. She'd conquered her fear. She'd been outside, the sky didn't fall, no one tried to hurt her, and she did it all by herself. She didn't need me to watch over her, or be there to hug her if she got scared. She just needed to muster the courage to do it. Years later when she was telling me about how good she felt and how proud she was of herself I told her I was proud of her too and the look on her face when she walked out of the bank was the happiest I'd seen her in awhile. She asked how I'd seen her face and then I fessed up that I'd followed her that day. She wasn't upset for me not listening to her direct order to "stay here" but she was touched that I loved her that much that I'd follow her so I could help her succeed in conquering her fear.
So, today I'm following my mom's example and will muster the courage to go to Physical therapy as the Dr. described, " they will use weights and lots of tension to pull my tendons and muscles out of a their locked position." This doesn't help my fear ease but as I do whatever the Physical Therapist asks me to do with the weight I will be thinking of my mom's face as she walked out of the bank that bright, sunny day.
In keeping with October being Parent Appreciation month, I though I'd write about my mom and how she conquered a big fear she had. My mom was agoraphobic. She would leave the house if she absolutely had to but most often when she left it would only be with my dad and when we went places, she needed to either be near the exit or see the exit. She'd take me out of school for a mom/daughter shopping day once a year and more times than not I'd be the one writing the check while she would sit by the store window and try not to have a full blown panic attack.
When I was in elementary school, parents were invited to have lunch with their child for the Thanksgiving Feast. Every year my mom would tell me she'd try her best to get there. Every year my friend Heather and her mom would invite me to sit and eat with them. Her mom was always so kind to me. She'd always include me in the conversation and make me feel important too. I got used to this tradition and it didn't bother me that my mom wasn't there. It was a 30 minute lunch and I was more excited to go play outside with my friends. Still, every year when I'd walk in the door after the Feast I'd see my mom sitting next to the door crying. She'd jump up and hug me and say over and over how very sorry she was that she missed it. I'd again reassure it that it didn't bother me and then tell how much fun I had at recess after lunch. Years later she told me she'd stand with her hand on the doorknob for hours before just sitting on the floor to wait for me to come home.
In the summer between 4th and 5th grade mom decided she was going to stop being afraid of being outside. She'd talked to me about this for weeks and finally one day she comes to me with her purse and tells me to "stay here. I'm going to the bank. I'll be back shortly." The bank was one block down our street and the second building to the right. I was so proud of her for wanting to do this. I watched from the front window as she walked very slowly down our front steps and onto the road, I saw her hesitate for a second then shake her head no and take another step toward her goal. She got halfway down the block when I decided to follow her to make sure she was okay. I remember stuffing her inhaler in my pocket and walked slowly behind making sure to stay half the block away. The pride I felt as I watched my mom walk into the bank, smile and start talking to the people in the lobby made my chest feel like it was going to burst. When I saw her start to come out of the bank I hustled home and hid behind a huge tree in my neighbors yard so I could watch her face as she realized she'd done it. She'd conquered her fear. She'd been outside, the sky didn't fall, no one tried to hurt her, and she did it all by herself. She didn't need me to watch over her, or be there to hug her if she got scared. She just needed to muster the courage to do it. Years later when she was telling me about how good she felt and how proud she was of herself I told her I was proud of her too and the look on her face when she walked out of the bank was the happiest I'd seen her in awhile. She asked how I'd seen her face and then I fessed up that I'd followed her that day. She wasn't upset for me not listening to her direct order to "stay here" but she was touched that I loved her that much that I'd follow her so I could help her succeed in conquering her fear.
So, today I'm following my mom's example and will muster the courage to go to Physical therapy as the Dr. described, " they will use weights and lots of tension to pull my tendons and muscles out of a their locked position." This doesn't help my fear ease but as I do whatever the Physical Therapist asks me to do with the weight I will be thinking of my mom's face as she walked out of the bank that bright, sunny day.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Where is your Heaven on earth?
This post has been on my mind for over a month now. I think maybe it's being written in October because this month seems to be a difficult one for many folks. I know in my family we've lost 4 or 5 family members over the years in October. For many it's a reminder that cold and snow is coming. So I think maybe now is the time for me to write about Heaven on Earth. I've had a few things happen that were reminders that we can have or find Heaven on Earth in a lot of different places.
Heaven on Earth is someplace where you feel peaceful and happy. This place doesn't have to be super quiet to be peaceful and t doesn't have to be calm. I really dislike grocery shopping. From beginning (menu/list making) to end (putting groceries away) it's easily 3-3 1/2 hours. I always hope to have planned it perfectly and see my kids walking home from school as I pull in the driveway. One day last month I took a picture of lunch I bought at the store and sent it to my brother. The text was, "Sushi and Mtn Dew after grocery shopping! Heaven can even be in a Kroger parking lot!" So true! I listened to a radio station the kids don't love as I ate my sushi and enjoyed a soda...all by myself. It really was a little bit like Heaven on Earth.
These blocks are in our family room. I completely believe anyone's home can be a Heaven on Earth. We have unwritten home rules that the kids just know to follow--even their friends. Our home is a "safe house" meaning no one gets ganged up on or talked about and gossip isn't shared about school friends. I think having these things be in place does make it a heaven on earth. I'm not saying it's a Heaven on earth all the time but there are lots of moments that I think "It doesn't get much better than this." Those are the times the house is filled with laughter, lots of commotion, happy chatter, music and love. Quite often my Heaven in our home is around the dining room table. We eat dinner there, coordinate our weekly calendar, play games and nightly homework sessions happen at the table and quite often it's turned into someone's "office" for problems to be solved or fun surprise planned..
Our dining room table was being thrown away by a neighbor one thanksgiving weekend. Jim and his brother ran over and pulled it from the trash. Jim then sanded and refinished the top. I love this table! I love the story behind it and the labor of love it was for Jim to make it look great for our family.
A few years ago we took the kids to the ocean for the first time. Seeing their faces when they heard the waves crashing before they could see was the best part of the trip for me. We spent five great fun and sun filled days playing at the beach and in the ocean. We returned home just a few days before school started and Hunter, then 13, was assigned to write an essay about his favorite place on earth and tell why it was his favorite place. Knowing how much fun he had at the ocean, I was certain that this would be his place. He surprised me by writing about the soccer field. When he's on the field he said his mind is clear and he's "just plain happy." He smiles more often than not when he's playing soccer or even at a practice; which makes it even more fun to cheer when you see his happy face from the stands.
Where is your Heaven on Earth? It doesn't have to be just one, it doesn't have to be amazing to everyone, it doesn't even have to make sense to anyone else. I mean, really...how many people think a grocery store parking lot is a little bit of Heaven on Earth? I'd love to read about where you find Heaven on Earth.
Heaven on Earth is someplace where you feel peaceful and happy. This place doesn't have to be super quiet to be peaceful and t doesn't have to be calm. I really dislike grocery shopping. From beginning (menu/list making) to end (putting groceries away) it's easily 3-3 1/2 hours. I always hope to have planned it perfectly and see my kids walking home from school as I pull in the driveway. One day last month I took a picture of lunch I bought at the store and sent it to my brother. The text was, "Sushi and Mtn Dew after grocery shopping! Heaven can even be in a Kroger parking lot!" So true! I listened to a radio station the kids don't love as I ate my sushi and enjoyed a soda...all by myself. It really was a little bit like Heaven on Earth.
Our dining room table was being thrown away by a neighbor one thanksgiving weekend. Jim and his brother ran over and pulled it from the trash. Jim then sanded and refinished the top. I love this table! I love the story behind it and the labor of love it was for Jim to make it look great for our family.
A few years ago we took the kids to the ocean for the first time. Seeing their faces when they heard the waves crashing before they could see was the best part of the trip for me. We spent five great fun and sun filled days playing at the beach and in the ocean. We returned home just a few days before school started and Hunter, then 13, was assigned to write an essay about his favorite place on earth and tell why it was his favorite place. Knowing how much fun he had at the ocean, I was certain that this would be his place. He surprised me by writing about the soccer field. When he's on the field he said his mind is clear and he's "just plain happy." He smiles more often than not when he's playing soccer or even at a practice; which makes it even more fun to cheer when you see his happy face from the stands.
Where is your Heaven on Earth? It doesn't have to be just one, it doesn't have to be amazing to everyone, it doesn't even have to make sense to anyone else. I mean, really...how many people think a grocery store parking lot is a little bit of Heaven on Earth? I'd love to read about where you find Heaven on Earth.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
I declare October Parent Appreciation month
I've declared October "Parent Appreciation" month. Many know their story but I think it's pretty impressive so here's a quick bit...Mom was 33, Rusty, 21 when they married. Mom had a "tween" boy & 5 yr old girl when they married. I think I was ready to be married at 21, but not sure I'd have been ready to be an instant parent to 2 kids. Did they have issues and problems? Yes. Did they have a tough road ahead? Yes. Did they love each other? Absolutely. Did Rusty adopt both of us and raise as his own kids? Yes. He worked 2, 3 and at times 4 jobs to make sure we didn't do without what we needed. We didn't have everything we wanted, but we had clothes, food, warm beds and parents that loved us. Did I miss my biological dad? Yes. Did I always wonder why he gave up his parental rights? Absolutely! Did I always have questions for him? Yep. Did I reunite with him before his passed away? Yes I did and am so very grateful I did. He didn't pass away in October but I'll share stuff about him too, because without him...well, my brother and I wouldn't be here...I loved so much that I reconnected with him. More later about that.
This week I've been thinking about my mom and so many of the recipes I so badly wish I'd written down. Had I done that though, I'm sure no recipe I copied would taste just like hers. She cooked with a pinch, handful and dash of everything. I'd sit on the chair at the end of kitchen counter, watching her cook as she asked about my day or sang to or with me and would wonder how she knew how much to use. Fast forward 30 or so years and I find myself cooking just like she did. I love that! My kids, however hate it because they can't make their favorites "just like mom" either. The recipes I've so wanted were my mom's apple dumplings, ham loaf, stuffed peppers. I hated the pepper but loved the "stuff". I've looked for anything like any of them on several websites and have yet to find anything similar. My efforts to duplicate haven't been so successful yet...BUT I will not give up! The search and creations continue!
My two oldest children got to meet my mom. Kara remembers a few things about her, Courtney remembers stories we've told that involve her and the other four kiddos have only seen pictures and heard stories. All of my kids got to meet my Dad, Rusty. All but the youngest remember him and have their own stories about him. When I hear those stories from them, it's like a little flame warms my heart. I so wish all of my kids got to know my mom too. She had her troubles but she had such a good heart and so badly wanted her family to know how much she loved them. When our oldest son was born, 9 months after my mom passed away, Jim looked at our son's little scrunched face and got the sweetest smile. He holds him out for me to take him and says, "Look Tiff! He has one dimple just like your mom. It's like she kissed him on the cheek before he left Heaven." Our second son (and youngest baby) has one dimple too. I love seeing their dimples and even though the boys didn't get to meet my mom, they have a piece of her with them all the time. The girls all have my moms eye shape and Jim's eye color. I love genetics and how so much of our DNA is carried from generation to generation. At times, I've looked at my babies faces and catch a glimpse of my mom in them.
My parents passed away one day shy of a full decade apart, in October. So, I could be sad when I think of the heartbreak this month brought 10 years apart OR I could think of them, miss them and think of all the good they brought in my life, the things they taught, they way they loved, the laughter they shared and the love for learning they both had and instilled in me. I hope I've passed that onto their grandchildren. Yes...I miss them. Yes, there are times I just want a hug only my mom can give. Yes, I'd love to hear a dumb joke dad would tell. But for now, I'll hold my memories close to my heart and remember all the good and happiness they added to my life.
Happy Autumn (my favorite time of year), Happy October and Happy Parents' Appreciation month. Make this a good month filled with laughter and joy in your life.
This week I've been thinking about my mom and so many of the recipes I so badly wish I'd written down. Had I done that though, I'm sure no recipe I copied would taste just like hers. She cooked with a pinch, handful and dash of everything. I'd sit on the chair at the end of kitchen counter, watching her cook as she asked about my day or sang to or with me and would wonder how she knew how much to use. Fast forward 30 or so years and I find myself cooking just like she did. I love that! My kids, however hate it because they can't make their favorites "just like mom" either. The recipes I've so wanted were my mom's apple dumplings, ham loaf, stuffed peppers. I hated the pepper but loved the "stuff". I've looked for anything like any of them on several websites and have yet to find anything similar. My efforts to duplicate haven't been so successful yet...BUT I will not give up! The search and creations continue!
My two oldest children got to meet my mom. Kara remembers a few things about her, Courtney remembers stories we've told that involve her and the other four kiddos have only seen pictures and heard stories. All of my kids got to meet my Dad, Rusty. All but the youngest remember him and have their own stories about him. When I hear those stories from them, it's like a little flame warms my heart. I so wish all of my kids got to know my mom too. She had her troubles but she had such a good heart and so badly wanted her family to know how much she loved them. When our oldest son was born, 9 months after my mom passed away, Jim looked at our son's little scrunched face and got the sweetest smile. He holds him out for me to take him and says, "Look Tiff! He has one dimple just like your mom. It's like she kissed him on the cheek before he left Heaven." Our second son (and youngest baby) has one dimple too. I love seeing their dimples and even though the boys didn't get to meet my mom, they have a piece of her with them all the time. The girls all have my moms eye shape and Jim's eye color. I love genetics and how so much of our DNA is carried from generation to generation. At times, I've looked at my babies faces and catch a glimpse of my mom in them.
My parents passed away one day shy of a full decade apart, in October. So, I could be sad when I think of the heartbreak this month brought 10 years apart OR I could think of them, miss them and think of all the good they brought in my life, the things they taught, they way they loved, the laughter they shared and the love for learning they both had and instilled in me. I hope I've passed that onto their grandchildren. Yes...I miss them. Yes, there are times I just want a hug only my mom can give. Yes, I'd love to hear a dumb joke dad would tell. But for now, I'll hold my memories close to my heart and remember all the good and happiness they added to my life.
Happy Autumn (my favorite time of year), Happy October and Happy Parents' Appreciation month. Make this a good month filled with laughter and joy in your life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)