Proud to be a Stay At Home Mom

I am a stay at home mom. I have been for nearly 21 years. For years I've wondered if I should get a job, outside of the home. Why I feel the need to clarify, "outside of the home" is a bit odd to me. What I do is a full time job. I don't get paid, sick days, vacation days and it's more difficult, emotionally, mentally and physically than nearly every paid job I've ever had.

My youngest son is in 2nd grade and in school all day. Last year I applied to be a sub in our schools. I love doing this so much! It's a blast to see the kids and have so many kids come running in during the day to say hi to me or ask me if I'm so and so's mom. I get to know the teachers on a different level than just the parent-teacher relationship. I thoroughly enjoy it. The days I sub at school the afternoon is different at home. I can't put a finger on it, it's just different. Not as calm, maybe...?

As I consider the possibility of a job opening up some day in the schools that I could apply for I think about the pros &  cons list. There are good to both but each has a cost. Being a Stay at home mom means that we don't drive the fanciest cars, have the fanciest clothes and aren't season ticket holders to any sports teams, vacations don't come every year. However, being a stay at home mom means that I'm home when my kids get home. Should they have a bad day or a great day, I'm here to laugh and dance with them or give hugs and share ice cream. I have time to do grocery shopping with ease and probably take longer than I have to at the store. I save money on "work clothes" I can wear jeans and sweatshirt every day if I choose. I've been told by my "working mom" friends that something has to give when you work outside of the home. Kids get sick at school...they may not be able to come home or have to wait until I can get there to get them. The house may be messier, dinners may be rushed. However you have more money for more things. Sports each season, music lessons, toys, nicer/newer cars, more clothes. I'd be around people more, be more challenged in areas I'm not as much, I'd get kudos for job well done. 

With big decisions we discuss them with our kids because it impacts them too. Today I was talking to one of my teenagers and this topic came up. We talked about a family she babysits for and how they have so many toys and gadgets. I followed her lead with this fun conversation. She said, "I know we can have more toys and things if you worked but I would rather have you home when I get home." She told me some of her friends don't see their parents very much and that she likes having me to talk to. One of my kids called from school and came home sick today. I was so happy I can be there to get them and not have to clear it with my boss, arrange for things to be done while I'm not in the office.

When I quit my job after my first baby a co worker said, "you're off to have the life of luxury." At the time I thought, okay. maybe. Then about 3 weeks later I thought, "what was she thinking?!" I don't get enough sleep, I don't always shower every day, I get puked on, pooped on and then I clean and cook when she takes a nap. Yep! This is the life of luxury."

I don't have a boss giving me deadlines, I set my own schedule, I do have a side business that I budget my time with. So, I guess now I'm living that  life of luxury she referred to. We were in a car accident 2 years ago and we needed to get a "new" car and insurance didn't pay off the van that was totaled so we couldn't afford what we wanted to get so we searched and what we found was a 10 yr old Suburban. It was new to us and we love it. It is a financial sacrifice to be a stay at home mom. My husband and I have talked about me getting a job a thousand times over the years and every time our decision is that the kids need to be more available to them than we need extra money in our pockets. I'm realize we're so fortunate to be able to do this. It is financially tough many times throughout the year, we have to decide who gets braces next and our kids don't get a car when they turn 16. They actually share a car that is 17 years old and they love it because it's theirs.

So the next time I'm asked what do I do, I may consider the following answer, "I'm a CEO, CFO, nurse, mediator, tutor, chef, maid, taxi driver, psychologist, financial advisor, accountant, friend and coach." Or maybe I'll just say, "I'm a stay at home mom" and not feel the need inadequate or like I need to justify my decision.

Being a Stay At Home Mom makes me happy. I'm happy I get to be there for my kids. Our second is heading off to college a few weeks, we've found out firsthand that kids grow up super fast. Make sure you stop and smell the roses with them and enjoy the ride.

.

Thanksgiving made fun

I love Thanksgiving!! I love the traditions that we started when we had a bunch of little kids. I love that it's a day we hang out with just our kids, no work, homework or other life's busyness gets in the way. We watch the Macy's parade while the kids go through the paper changing or adding to their Christmas lists. I love most that it's just a day that we can all just shut down and enjoy each other.

When I was a very young kid I decided that I would cook with my kids and always have them join in on Thanksgiving cooking.  My mom was an amazing cook and liked her space in the kitchen. When I'd offer to help she'd let me get stuff out of the pantry and that's where my help ended. This didn't turn out very well for my poor husband. I'll share that story in another blog. It's a favorite of his and our kids love to hear it so they can openly laugh at me. 

For today's blog I thought I'd share what I've learned along the way and traditions that we unknowingly started. You do something one time and if it's a hit with the kids, we've found out that it becomes a tradition. We're now a bit  choosy about new ideas we want to try at the holidays.  :) 

Last week we sat down with the kids and decided what we wanted to eat for Thanksgiving dinner, if anyone wanted to try a new recipe and what desserts we wanted to have. Then we decided who wanted to make what. THIS is one of my favorite traditions. I'm not even sure when it started but every child makes something for Thanksgiving dinner.  Courtney is about to leave for college and has wanted to go grocery shopping with me and make all my grocery lists lately. This week is no different. I've loved teaching her about how to shop on a budget and spending time with her before she leaves for her first year of college.

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving I have all the kids get their ingredients out that will be needed, except for refrigerator items, and help them put all their items in the dish they will need to make or bake with. My counter looks like a mess for a day or two but it's so worth it in the end. I try to keep it an organized mess but I wouldn't want it any other way.

We tape our recipes on the front of the cabinet doors at their eye level. This keeps them from getting water and food all over them. Again, not sure when that lightbulb idea came on for me but so glad it did. No more, "where did my recipe go?!" or "I can't read it! I just spilled stuff on it."  If they can make their side dish the day before I help them and if not then we figure out a way to coordinate it so everything is ready at the same time. My dad told me that he loved watching mom cook. "She is so good at it and every single thing for the meal comes out at the same time. She amazes me!"  This was something that took me a few years to figure out how to do but yeah...it's pretty cool to have it happen and look effortless. My mom was really good at it.

I hate putting my hands in places I can't see. You know the game where you put your hand in the bag and describe what you feel to see if it can be guessed? I hate that game so much!!! I still have a hard time reaching in blindly to get anything. Jim is a very sweet husband and every year offers to do the turkey. I never say no! Several years ago he asked Hunter to help him, now it's a thing all 3 boys do together. I help with spices but everything else is "a guy thing."  I love watching them do their magic in the kitchen together. It's always a time of sweet laughter and guy chats.

When I was a kid my job after Thanksgiving dinner was to do the dishes. So not a fun job when you ARE the dishwasher and you can hear laughter in the rest of the house that you're missing out on. My sweet Uncle Steve would always come save me. Some of my fondest memories are the chats Uncle Steve and I would have while we took turns washing and drying dishes. He always had perfect timing too! Just about the time I'd be getting really irritated with this lovely tradition, he'd walk in and say, "Hey Tisk. Scoot over" as he grabbed a towel. I remember the Thanksgiving of my senior year, I'd quickly blinked tears away because I'd realized this would most likely be our last year doing this together. (It was. I'm glad I was wise enough to cherish that time)  Now that I have kids AND a real dishwasher we do them together. Along with deciding I'd cook with my kids, I also decided they'll not do the dishes alone. There's always a huge pile of dishes to do and it takes several loads...who wants to do that alone?

I love that our kitchen is the hub of our house but my favorite time to be in the kitchen is the week of Thanksgiving. I hope you have a very happy Thanksgiving and that you make new fun memories. Some of the just may end up being new traditions.  

TEACHING NEW DRIVERS TO DRIVE IN WINTER

This blog serves as my tips for  new teenage driving parents.  I hope this helps someone find the courage to take your new driver out on snowy roads. Two days ago we had our first snow fall and yesterday we had blowing snow through the cornfields and over the roads. For those that haven't experienced blowing snow across the open fields it makes for ice rink type road conditions. There were several cars and even  a semi truck jack-knifed in ditches around out town. Not all of them were teenage drivers but a few were. The adults knew how to handle it, while teenagers may not have been as equipped for this to  happen. It's happened to almost all of us, and quite often it happens so fast your reaction time is only a second before you find yourself in a ditch.
 
My dad had me pass His test before I could get my license.  The stories you've heard about driving with an egg on the dashboard, are really true with some of us. At the time I thought he was cruel and mean but now I'm so glad he was a bit more strict. I had to be able to turn, stop and start without that egg rolling off the dashboard. He told me the egg wasn't hardboiled and he did not want an egg mess in his car. I did roll it off the dashboard one day and found out he was much  wiser than he let on...he had it hard boiled after all. I also needed to call out the color of every first car in line at an intersection I was either approaching or sitting at a red light with. My kids have the similar rules before they get their license. Winter driving lessons by mom is mandatory.

When our kids are learning to drive they 1. have to learn drive our most difficult car first, 2. They  cannot get their license until they've learned how to handle a car on ice and snow...if they get it before winter, then they don't get to drive on ice or snow until they've passed my test. 3. They have to pass "my test" first before getting their license. I found out that my dad wasn't only right but wise in making me do those "ridiculous things."  

We have a Suburban that I love to drive so very much. It's big, roomy inside, it carries everything we ever take with us anyplace and I don't worry about getting stuck in a ditch or about kids driving it. In the winter it does fishtail quite easily, donuts are super easy to do and the brakes are a bit softer than a car. So when the kids learn to drive the big white monster they get to move onto a car. They find the cars much easier to drive and park and are then comfortable driving any car that's available to them.

My favorite thing to do with them is to take them to an open parking lot or abandoned building lot and not tell them what's going to happen when I tell give them certain instructions.  In the parking lot I let them experiment with speeding up and stopping on snow and telling them to never fight the car. It causes the tires to overcorrect when they get control again and an overcorrection causes another spinout in the other direction. After my "lesson"; my fun begins.  The first time I did this with Kara was on a slick, snow packed parking lot after hours. In the middle of a turn  I told her to speed up a bit, as soon as she accelerated the car started to spin in a complete circle.  She panicked, yelled but controlled the car completely.  Immediately after the car stopped she smacked my arm. I allowed that because, well...I may have deserved it. Then I did the reverse and had her stop fast. She slid and fishtailed but again kept the car under control. I've done this with both older girls and they're pretty good winter drivers. In fact, the first time Kara drove the Suburban she was trying to stop at a downhill intersection and did a complete 360. She called me after it was over and she'd pulled off the side of the road to calm down.  "Well, I survived my first donut and with traffic all around me." Her voice was still shaking and felt so bad for her but was so proud of her too. She said as she was sliding and spinning she saw 2 trucks doing the same thing and one was heading toward her.

Our oldest son gets his Driver's Permit in February and he knows no fear. and I do worry about him enjoying doing the donuts and fishtails too much but he will go through the same steps. Though I've had him on back roads already (ssshhh) and he handled the suburban pretty well for a first time drive.

Even if you don't like driving in snow and slick roads, find a way to get your new driver out in the snow. Ask a friend, ask a neighbor, find an extra driving class for winter...there are options. You'll be doing them and others a service. While you're at it, tell them what do if they do end up in a ditch.  Tell them when to keep the car turned  on, when to turn it off. Keep emergency blankets in your car, tell them where your insurance and registration is kept. Most importantly let them know not to be afraid to call you. They're more important than the car. We know this but their fear often makes them forget that. I stopped to help 3 cars of kids that had been in a fender bender. All three drivers said through tears,  "I don't wanna tell my parents. They're gonna be so mad." I assured them they'll be happier knowing they're okay than they will be mad about the car. 

Enjoy the adventures the snow brings. Take extra steps to keep your babies safe while driving and give them a dose of confidence. They can all use that.  

Celebrate life.

Late last night, I realized that this is the week that both of my parents passed away. One 16 years ago, the other 6 years ago. Remembering this, naturally made me a bit sad and for a couple reasons. Reason One: Is a natural feeling and thought...My parents aren't here with us.  Reason Two: The days they passedand I didn't realize what the dates were. The weeks before my mom's passing was all a huge blur. I couldn't remember the day, let alone the date. When my dad passed away, I got a call from his dad on a late Sunday night saying he'd died. If someone were to ask me the dates of either death, I can tell you the 24, 25 or 26 of October, unless I look up the information. Weird, right?

I remember so many details of the days but not the exact dates of their deaths. Mom died at 6:00 on a Wednesday evening; I held her hand as she took her last breath.  I'd talked to my dad the day before he died and when I got the call it seemed like a dream phone call. My grandpa's voice sounded like it was in distant fog.  

As those days passed this week I thought of my parents, like I do so many other days. However, I didn't think, "Oh! This is the day my mom or dad died." I didn't cry because this was the day I sat with my mom as she took her last breath. I didn't cry because it was the last day I talked to my dad. This made me feel like maybe I'm a "bad daughter" or ungrateful or something. THEN I thought maybe it just means that I'm in a good place and a positive thinker. I remember them and think of them all the time but I don't dwell on their passing. They wouldn't want anyone to do that. 

Instead they'd want me to think of their lives, a celebration of sorts. The joy, laughter, teaching, examples, their quick wit and funny anecdotes about them. I think of the twinkle in my mom's eyes as she made a birthday cake for her family, I think of the bounce in her step as she listened to Elvis' Christmas music. I think of the hours my dad spent  teaching me how to through a softball, hit a ball, how to throw a punch so I could defend myself from a bully at school. I think of the nights he drove me home from late night activities and he'd notice the stars were so bright he'd pull over and we'd stare at the sky as he taught me about the constellations or space or some other science thing. (I hated science and that really bothered him...so very much.)  

My grade in History had dropped, but not yet failing. My dad decided he'd come up with a "Proverb" to share with me. "Hey Tiff. I have a Chinese Proverb for you. No Passee, no Driveee."  I of course responded with an eye roll and saying to Chill, it's not even a D- yet.  Though I did decide to focus more and study harder for the next test so I could continue to drive whenever I wanted. My mom would sing We ain't Got a Barrel of Money  whenever I was bummed about something or Dad had given me another fabulous proverb. (This Proverb Phase lasted for most of my high school life.) Before she'd sing this she's put a Reese's cup paper on her tooth to black it out, paint a wart on her face, mess up her hair or something ridiculous and do a silly dance.  "We ain't got a barrel of.....Money. Maybe we're ragged and..... funny. But we'll travel along, singin a  song.....side by side." As soon as I'd start to smile, she'd hook her arm in mine and jokingly poke me in the side until I sang the last line with her, then we'd laugh as we sang more of the song and completely screw up the lyrics. 

October has always been one of my favorite months. The smells, colors, fall festivals, silly costumes and we celebrate our last baby's birthday the day before Halloween.  I love that losing both of my parents in the same month hasn't changed my feelings about this month and time of year. Rather it's sweetened this time of year with fond memories, smiles and a warm heart.

October makes me happy. I hope this blog finds you happy too.

I'm mustering courage today

I start physical therapy for my frozen shoulder today and to be honest, I'm quite nervous and a little scared. I've heard from the Dr and a couple friends that it's very painful. I'm sure it is, I'm not expecting it to be a carnival ride. When the dr tells you take 800 mg of ibuprofen before the session, it makes you wonder how bad it's going to be.  I'm not afraid of much and don't let fear take up residence in my life but today it's creeping in a bit.  

In keeping with October being Parent  Appreciation month,  I though I'd write about my mom and how she conquered a big fear she had. My mom was agoraphobic. She would leave the house if she absolutely had to but most often when she left it would only be with my dad and when we went places, she needed to either be near the exit or see the exit. She'd take me out of school for a mom/daughter shopping day once a year and more times than not I'd be the one writing the check while she would sit by the store window and try not to have a full blown panic attack.

When I was in elementary school, parents were invited to have lunch with their child for the Thanksgiving Feast. Every year my mom would tell me she'd try her best to get there. Every year my friend Heather and her mom would invite me to sit and eat with them. Her mom was always so kind to me. She'd always include me in the conversation and make me feel important too. I got used to this tradition and it didn't bother me that my mom wasn't there. It was a 30 minute lunch and I was more excited to go play outside with my friends. Still, every year when I'd walk in the door after the Feast I'd see my mom sitting next to the door crying. She'd jump up and hug me and say over and over how  very sorry she was that she missed it. I'd again reassure it that it didn't bother me and then tell how much fun I had at recess after lunch. Years later she told me she'd stand with her hand on the doorknob for hours before just sitting on the floor to wait for me to come home.

In the summer between 4th and 5th grade mom decided she was going to stop being afraid of being outside. She'd talked to me about this for weeks and finally one day she comes to me with her purse and tells me to "stay here. I'm going to the bank. I'll be back shortly." The bank was one block down our street and the second building to the right. I was so proud of her for wanting to do this. I watched from the front window as she walked very slowly down our front steps and onto the road, I saw her hesitate for a second then shake her head no and take another step toward her goal. She got halfway down the block when I decided to follow her to make sure she was okay. I remember stuffing her inhaler in my pocket and walked slowly behind making sure to stay half the block away. The pride I felt as I watched my mom walk into the bank, smile and start talking to the people in the lobby made my chest feel like it was going to burst. When I saw her start to come out of the bank I hustled home and hid behind a huge tree in my neighbors yard so I could watch her face as she realized she'd done it. She'd conquered her fear. She'd been outside, the sky didn't fall, no one tried to hurt her, and she did it all by herself. She didn't need me to watch over her, or be there to hug her if she got scared. She just needed to muster the courage to do it.  Years later when she was telling me about how good she felt and how proud she was of herself I told her I was proud of her too and the look on her face when she walked out of the bank was the happiest I'd seen her in awhile. She asked how I'd seen her face and then I fessed up that I'd followed her that day. She wasn't upset for me not listening to her direct order to "stay here" but she was touched that I loved her that much that I'd follow her so I could help her succeed in conquering her fear. 

So, today I'm following my mom's example and will muster the courage to go to Physical therapy as the Dr. described,  " they will use weights and lots of tension to pull my tendons and muscles out of a their locked position." This doesn't help my fear ease but as I do whatever the Physical Therapist asks me to do with the weight I will be thinking of my mom's face as she walked out of the bank that bright, sunny day.

Where is your Heaven on earth?

This post has been on my mind for over a month now. I think maybe it's being written in October because this month seems to be a difficult one for many folks. I know in my family  we've lost 4 or 5 family members over the years in October. For many it's a reminder that cold and snow is coming. So I  think maybe now is the time for me to write about Heaven on Earth. I've had a few things happen that were reminders that we can have or find Heaven on Earth in a lot of different places.

Heaven on Earth is someplace where you feel peaceful and happy. This place doesn't have to be super quiet to be peaceful and t doesn't have to be calm. I really dislike grocery shopping. From beginning (menu/list making) to end  (putting groceries away) it's easily 3-3 1/2 hours. I always hope to have planned it perfectly and see my kids walking home from school as I pull in the driveway.  One day last month I took a picture of lunch I bought at the store and sent it to my brother. The text was,  "Sushi and Mtn Dew after grocery shopping! Heaven can even be in a Kroger parking lot!" So true!  I listened to a radio station the kids don't love as I ate my sushi and enjoyed a soda...all by myself. It really was a little bit like Heaven on Earth. 

 These blocks are in our family room. I completely believe anyone's home can be a Heaven on Earth. We have unwritten home rules that the kids just know to follow--even their friends.  Our home is a "safe house" meaning no one gets ganged up on or talked about and gossip isn't shared about school friends.  I think having these things be in place does make it a heaven on earth. I'm not saying it's a Heaven on earth all the time but there are lots of moments that I think "It doesn't get much better than this." Those are the times the house is filled with laughter, lots of commotion, happy chatter, music and love. Quite often my Heaven in our home is around the dining room table. We eat dinner there, coordinate our weekly calendar, play games and nightly homework sessions happen at the table and quite often it's turned into someone's "office" for problems to be solved or fun surprise planned.. 

Our dining room table was being thrown away by a neighbor one thanksgiving weekend. Jim and his brother ran over and pulled it from the trash. Jim then sanded and refinished the top. I love this table! I love the story behind it and the labor of love it was for Jim to make it look great for our family.  

A few years ago we took the kids to the ocean for the first time. Seeing their faces when they heard the waves crashing before they could see was the best part of the trip for me. We spent five great fun and sun filled days playing at the beach and in the ocean. We returned home just a few days before school started and Hunter, then 13, was assigned to write an essay about his favorite place on earth and tell why it was his favorite place. Knowing how much fun he had at the ocean, I was certain that this would be his place. He surprised me by writing about the soccer field. When he's on the field he said his mind is clear and he's "just plain happy." He smiles more often than not when he's playing soccer or even at a practice; which makes it even more fun to cheer when you see his happy face from the stands. 

 Where is your Heaven on Earth? It doesn't have to be just one, it doesn't have to be amazing to everyone, it doesn't even have to make sense to anyone else. I mean, really...how many people think a grocery store parking lot is a little bit of Heaven on Earth? I'd love to read about where you find  Heaven on Earth. 

I declare October Parent Appreciation month

I've declared October "Parent Appreciation" month. Many know their story but I think it's pretty impressive so here's a quick bit...Mom was 33, Rusty, 21 when they married. Mom had a "tween" boy & 5 yr old girl when they married. I think I was ready to be married at 21, but not sure I'd have been ready to be an instant parent to 2 kids. Did they have issues and problems? Yes. Did they have a tough road ahead? Yes. Did they love each other? Absolutely. Did Rusty adopt both of us and raise as his own kids? Yes. He worked 2, 3 and at times 4 jobs to make sure we didn't do without what we needed. We didn't have everything we wanted, but we had clothes, food, warm beds and parents that loved us. Did I miss my biological dad? Yes. Did I always wonder why he gave up his parental rights? Absolutely! Did I always have questions for him? Yep. Did I reunite with him before his passed away? Yes I did and am so very grateful I did. He didn't pass away in October but I'll share stuff about him too, because without him...well, my brother and I wouldn't be here...I loved so much that I reconnected with him. More later about that.
   This week I've been thinking  about my mom and so many of the recipes I so badly wish I'd written down. Had I done that though, I'm sure no recipe I copied would taste just like hers. She cooked with a pinch, handful and dash of everything. I'd sit on the chair at the end of kitchen counter, watching her cook as she asked about my day or sang to or with me and would wonder how she knew how much to use. Fast forward 30 or so years and I find myself cooking just like she did. I love that! My kids, however hate it because they can't make their favorites "just like mom" either. The recipes I've so wanted were my mom's apple dumplings, ham loaf, stuffed peppers. I hated the pepper but loved the "stuff". I've looked for anything like any of them on several websites and have yet to find anything similar. My efforts to duplicate haven't been so successful yet...BUT I will not give up! The search and creations continue!
    My two oldest children got to meet my mom. Kara remembers a few things about her,  Courtney remembers stories we've told that involve her and the other four kiddos have only seen pictures and heard stories. All of my kids got to meet my Dad, Rusty. All but the youngest remember him and have their own stories about him. When I hear those stories from them, it's like a little flame warms my heart. I so wish all of my kids got to know my mom too. She had her troubles but she had such a good heart and so badly wanted her family to know how much she loved them. When our oldest son was born, 9 months after my mom passed away, Jim looked at our son's little scrunched face and got the sweetest smile. He holds him out for me to take him and says, "Look Tiff! He has one dimple just like your mom. It's like she kissed him on the cheek before he left Heaven." Our second son (and youngest baby) has one dimple too. I love seeing their dimples and even though the boys didn't get to meet my mom, they have a piece of her with them all the time. The girls all have my moms eye shape and Jim's eye color. I love genetics and how so much of our DNA is carried from generation to generation. At times, I've looked at my babies faces and catch a glimpse of my mom in them.
    My parents passed away one day shy of a full decade apart, in October. So, I could be sad when I think of the heartbreak this month brought 10 years apart OR I could think of them, miss them and think of all the good they brought in my life, the things they taught, they way they loved, the laughter they shared and the love for learning they both had and instilled in me. I hope I've passed that onto their grandchildren. Yes...I miss them. Yes, there are times I just want a hug only my mom can give. Yes, I'd love to hear a dumb joke dad would tell. But for now, I'll hold my memories close to my heart and remember all the good and happiness they added to my life.
   Happy Autumn (my favorite time of year),  Happy October and Happy Parents' Appreciation month.   Make this a good month filled with laughter and joy in your life.