I'm mustering courage today

I start physical therapy for my frozen shoulder today and to be honest, I'm quite nervous and a little scared. I've heard from the Dr and a couple friends that it's very painful. I'm sure it is, I'm not expecting it to be a carnival ride. When the dr tells you take 800 mg of ibuprofen before the session, it makes you wonder how bad it's going to be.  I'm not afraid of much and don't let fear take up residence in my life but today it's creeping in a bit.  

In keeping with October being Parent  Appreciation month,  I though I'd write about my mom and how she conquered a big fear she had. My mom was agoraphobic. She would leave the house if she absolutely had to but most often when she left it would only be with my dad and when we went places, she needed to either be near the exit or see the exit. She'd take me out of school for a mom/daughter shopping day once a year and more times than not I'd be the one writing the check while she would sit by the store window and try not to have a full blown panic attack.

When I was in elementary school, parents were invited to have lunch with their child for the Thanksgiving Feast. Every year my mom would tell me she'd try her best to get there. Every year my friend Heather and her mom would invite me to sit and eat with them. Her mom was always so kind to me. She'd always include me in the conversation and make me feel important too. I got used to this tradition and it didn't bother me that my mom wasn't there. It was a 30 minute lunch and I was more excited to go play outside with my friends. Still, every year when I'd walk in the door after the Feast I'd see my mom sitting next to the door crying. She'd jump up and hug me and say over and over how  very sorry she was that she missed it. I'd again reassure it that it didn't bother me and then tell how much fun I had at recess after lunch. Years later she told me she'd stand with her hand on the doorknob for hours before just sitting on the floor to wait for me to come home.

In the summer between 4th and 5th grade mom decided she was going to stop being afraid of being outside. She'd talked to me about this for weeks and finally one day she comes to me with her purse and tells me to "stay here. I'm going to the bank. I'll be back shortly." The bank was one block down our street and the second building to the right. I was so proud of her for wanting to do this. I watched from the front window as she walked very slowly down our front steps and onto the road, I saw her hesitate for a second then shake her head no and take another step toward her goal. She got halfway down the block when I decided to follow her to make sure she was okay. I remember stuffing her inhaler in my pocket and walked slowly behind making sure to stay half the block away. The pride I felt as I watched my mom walk into the bank, smile and start talking to the people in the lobby made my chest feel like it was going to burst. When I saw her start to come out of the bank I hustled home and hid behind a huge tree in my neighbors yard so I could watch her face as she realized she'd done it. She'd conquered her fear. She'd been outside, the sky didn't fall, no one tried to hurt her, and she did it all by herself. She didn't need me to watch over her, or be there to hug her if she got scared. She just needed to muster the courage to do it.  Years later when she was telling me about how good she felt and how proud she was of herself I told her I was proud of her too and the look on her face when she walked out of the bank was the happiest I'd seen her in awhile. She asked how I'd seen her face and then I fessed up that I'd followed her that day. She wasn't upset for me not listening to her direct order to "stay here" but she was touched that I loved her that much that I'd follow her so I could help her succeed in conquering her fear. 

So, today I'm following my mom's example and will muster the courage to go to Physical therapy as the Dr. described,  " they will use weights and lots of tension to pull my tendons and muscles out of a their locked position." This doesn't help my fear ease but as I do whatever the Physical Therapist asks me to do with the weight I will be thinking of my mom's face as she walked out of the bank that bright, sunny day.